Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.