[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
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Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*