Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
You Might Also Like
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
whatcha thinkin bout
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!