My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
sensitive skin
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie