Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
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Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
This is a bad sign
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.