trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
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Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”