AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
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Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.