Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
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Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Namaste
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.