I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Optional boss fight.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…