4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
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Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
mariah carrie
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
2 years later
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.