ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
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I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.