The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
You Might Also Like
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back