addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
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“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Posting this on behalf of a friend
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Not my job 😂
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.