My friend is an excellent librarian.
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
A classic…
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.