I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I am a gravy boat captain
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Damn he played himself
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
no cat here
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
When I pack too much for a short trip.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer