“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
found my next D&D character name
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.