My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
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[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
The Birdles
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
What the dentist sees
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan