Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
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“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches