Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.