I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
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Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”