just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
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The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me