[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!