Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
You Might Also Like
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I got bills
They’re multiplying
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.