I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Nothing to do, you say?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it