… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
You Might Also Like
Lube but for my dry humor.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
✌🏽
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Not all heroes wear capes….
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math