How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
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A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
But I really needed water water water
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.