Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
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No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
They did not miss in the small print
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.