If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?