Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
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wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Is this a threat?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again