Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
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My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”