WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
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Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My love language is deader than Latin
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.