very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
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“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.