A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
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one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
“I’m helping” 😅
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.