[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day