*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
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Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line