My flabber has been gasted.
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Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
How much for the goth pool noodles?
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on