Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
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“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
🤣🤣
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.