I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
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Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask