One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
You Might Also Like
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day