Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
This is me 🤣🤣
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Pikachu found the lost joint
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80