“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
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You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party