If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
favorite tropes as memes
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.