This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
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the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.