friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
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*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.