I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.