BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
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(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Lmao the reply
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
and now we wait
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.