If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
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maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Milk Cube
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”