It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.