Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
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Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.