I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
This is my bus stop.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.